Jokes Collections

Wife: Oh dear when you remove your specks you look like the same cute boy
whom I married 20 years back.

Husband: Yes dear, when I remove my specks and look at you, you also look
like the same charming girl whom I married 20 years back.

~~~~~~~~~

Sam and David were sharing their childhood memories.

Sam says: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I
fell down on the earth unconsciously.

David: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.

Sam: I don't remember exactly because I was only 4 yeas old at that time.

~~~~~~~~~

Santa: If I die, will you remarry?

Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?

Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

~~~~~~~~~

Lalu: Why are all these people running?

Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Lalu: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

~~~~~~~~~

One Liners and their hidden Meanings

One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS


1."We will do it" means "You will do it"


2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"


3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"


4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"


5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"


6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"


7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"


8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"


9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."


10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"


11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"


12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"


13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"


14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."


15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"


16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"


17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Dating with Women

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

Dictonary For Women

rgument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so that men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Dating Dictonary

ATTRACTION.. ... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE. .... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING. .... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY.. ... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC. .... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Propose

Propose karne ka sher:

Kutta mar gaya rajaai mein,
Main paagal ho gaya teri judaai mein
Haathi nadi mein beh nahin sakta,Apun tere bina reh nahin sakta...

Tumsa koi doosra zameen par hua,
Toh Rab se shikayat hogi....

Ek toh jhella nahi jaata,
Doosra AA gaya to kya halat hogi!!!

Sharab sharir ko khatam karti hai

Sharab samaj ko khatam karti hai
Aao aaj is sharab ko khatam karte hai
Ek botal tum khatam karo ek hum khatam karte hai.

What is the diff. Between dava & daru?

Ans: Dava is like girlfriend that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like WIFE, jitni PURANI hogi UTNA sir CHAD ke bolegi...