Grandma's Birth control Pill...

An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions.

As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age.

"Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?"

The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep."

The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!"

"Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night."

A MAN with NO bad habits

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.""I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like !!!!"

Stolen Money

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper' s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

Crook

Just Needed To Use Your Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music star."Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Long hair and The car

A young boy had just gotten his driver*s permit and inquired of hisfather, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I*llmake a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible alittle, get your hair cut and we*ll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for theoffer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,"Son, I*ve been real proud. You*ve brought your grades up, and I*veobserved that youhave been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Biblestudy groups. But, I*m real disappointed, since you haven*t gotten yourhair cut." The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I*ve beenthinking about that, and I*ve noticed in my studies of the Bible thatSamson hadlong hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair andthere*s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walkedeverywhere they went?"

Re - Marry ....!!!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when theWife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE:"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

Quick Wits

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell to Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for"
- Albert Einstein

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer

- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
- To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
- If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
- Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
- To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
- To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
- If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
- When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
- We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
- To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
- Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
- To undo a mistake, click on "back".
- If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

COLLEGE LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A HEAVEN

Late bed wakings
Slight breakfasts
Bus stand figs
Foot board travels
Late attendence
Long intervals
Sharing cateen foods
Many proposals
Mobiles in silent mode
Some beautiful messages
Late night chats
Some misunderstandings
Connecting friends
For exams microslips
Struggle for marks
Prestige in arrears
Mass bunk
Saturday movies
Enjoying arguments
Freshers day with fear
Farewell day with tears.


COLLEGE LIFE IS NOTHING
BUT A
HEAVEN

Jokes Collection - 3

Consequence of marrying someone who's an IT professional ...

This is the consequence of marrying someone who's an IT professional. ..
Starting a day, the conversation between a wife and a husband who happens
to be a software engineer would be like this.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning
Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort
Wife : What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless.
Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary?
Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family.
Husband : Unknown Virus


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****88

A Shop that sells HUSBANDS

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance
is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store
ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ..... you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a
woman
goes to the Husband Store to find a husband ......

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to

the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you
exit the building, and have a nice day!

Jokes Collection - 2

SchoolDay

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"


Season Pass

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Spell Test

While attending a spelling session in school one day,The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."Darla replies..."D- U-M-B"The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spellthe word DICTATE?Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T- E"The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that wordin a sentence?"Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can." "I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."


Test

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumicestones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identifythe taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacherhad them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every oneof the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something yourDaddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouthand shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"


Disturbing

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


Butt joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


Professions

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Jokes Collection - 1

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

Clinton & Falwell

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."


Veterinarian

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"



A Young Lady

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."


Viagra

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."


A Young Teenager

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"