Words of WISDOM

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane .

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos .

BIG John Does Not Play

A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet. Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered. This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " Big John does not pay" said, the driver rose up and showing his muscles said " OH yeah " and why does Big JOhn does not pay " he shouted. The giant reached inside his pocket, the driver feared for the worse

the giant said " because Big John has bus pass" showing his bus pass to the driver.

Are you kiddin...?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"..... And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Never Lie TO YOur MOTHER

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't helpbut notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'. About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan,you don't suppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul
So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM> MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT> REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.LOVE M
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)