Husband And Wife

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
******

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
******



There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.
******

If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its ok,
If someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there
Is a limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.
******

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
******

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
******

What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir Chad ke bolegi.
******

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
Wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
******

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
Speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

Senior Movements

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Password Problem

Bhola calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.

No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,

"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," he says,

"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Password Problem

Bhola calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.

No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,

"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," he says,

"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Decining The Days

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.


While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."


On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Humour Bits

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew", the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."


"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

The Wise Sage

There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who told him of a sick child nearby. She beseeched him to help this child.

So the sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight. One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.

"Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a man from the crowd.

"You know nothing of such things! You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.

The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red. He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said: "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?"

And thus, the sage healed two people that day.

Certain Things in Life

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Pay raise

The Maid asked for a pay raise.

Madam was very upset about this and asked:

-'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

-Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you .

-' Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?

-'Maria: 'The Master said so.

-'Madam: 'Oh.

-'Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

-' Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?

-'Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.

-'Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

-' Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?

-'Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.

'SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

Wedding Rehearsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."

The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."

Wedding Query ... ( SQL Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM India_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND
HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers = Null AND Sisters = Null

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW') END GO

Then the Bride writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

A to Z!!!!

An airplane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... Any Africans on board?" No one moves.

"B... Any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

"C... Any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.

"D... Any Darkies?

A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad,...what are we?

Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus"

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.



They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived.



Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.



Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Dumber Santa !!!

An Englishman, an Scotsman and our Banta went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.

As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them.

She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home.

She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.

"A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.

The fairy turned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle, which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home.

Banta watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked.

He thought, and mused, then said, "A penguin ."

The Blonde Police Applicant

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

Blonde Jokes

A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... But if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo.."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.

As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"

Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"

Science Jokes

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers. Some of them are hysterical.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E,
I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Mail Mishap !!

man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.

However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,

Somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,

Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;

MORAL OF STORY - be careful while sending mails if not mishaps like these happen

The Virgin Husband !

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum !"

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A Cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

Name Please ???

A teacher showed only a leg of a bird and asked a student to show the
name of the bird.
Student: Sorry mam !
Teacher : You fail !
Student: Sorry Mam. I can't ! Can I Go out side?
Taecher : What is your name?
The student showed his leg and said you tell please !!!!!!!

Daytime Affair !

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.



One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope........ . Just when it's raining

Honesty is the Best Policy

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north AB out 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

50 Reasons - Why U R Still SINGLE ?

MEN because you...

1 Wear side-buckle shoes

2 Use the word "chillax", as in "chillax, babe"

3 Use the word "babe"

4 Have glow-in-the- dark stars above your bed

5 Have nothing but a broken sandwich toaster, a camp bed and a 60in plasma screen in your flat

6 Believe that certain things are self-cleaning

7 Wear short-sleeved shirts in the summer, but are not a postman

8 Wear a duffel coat in the winter, but are not Paddington Bear

9 Have "Thug Life" tattooed across the back of your neck

10 Have sold your forehead to an internet advertising agency

11 Affectionately address your friends as "stinker"

12 Prefer the "fist bump" when meeting strangers, and always insist they "lock it in"

13 Have knees that chafe

14 Regard the in-flight meal as the highlight of any flight, or holiday, for that matter

15 Own a pair of Crocs

16 Are only gay when you're drunk

17 Stand for the national anthem

18 Refuse to remove your Bluetooth headset before making love

19 Throw baked beans at people who tease you

20 Shave your legs "for sporting purposes"

21 Have ever taken more than one mobile-phone photograph of your genitals

22 Have telephoned in a late-night radio dedication

23 Have a stuffed parrot on your shoulder

24 Believe all worthwhile women are under 25

25 Have a name for it


WOMEN because you...

1 Have a calendar stuck to your wall with pictures of babies in plant pots

2 Have a "lucky" thong

3 Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

4 Still use scrunchies

5 Are described by your friends as "mad!"

6 Are described by your friends as "Samantha"

7 Know all the words to Mariah Carey's Hero

8 Have written poetry in Costa Coffee

9 Use the expression "defo"

10 Have an extremely long nail on one of your little fingers

11 Have ever got corn rows on holiday

12 Get visibly angry if people don't get what you're trying to mime in charades

13 Spell your name with a "y", where there should really be an "i", as in "Clayre"

14 Dot your "i"s with a circle

15 Posed with your cat for your Facebook profile photo

16 Have a five o'clock shadow

17 Have bought yourself a Ginsters All Day Breakfast Roll

18 Write in coloured ink and/or use smiley faces in handwritten letters

19 Think the energy crisis can be solved with crystals

20 Will not relinquish control

21 Spend all your time with your best friend and her husband

22 Own 27 volumes of Now That's What I Call Music!

23 Have mistakenly given yourself "wedding hair", thanks to overzealous use of curling tongs

24 Have said, "Oh my God, you're a Gemini?"

25 Own a pair of leather trousers

New RULES to be implemented in Cricket !

(1) Ricky Ponting – (THE TRULY GENUINE CRICKETER OF THE CRICKET ERA AND WHOSE INTEGRITY SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED ) should be considered as the FOURTH UMPIRE. As per the new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision is final and will over ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek the assistance of RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. This rule is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the FOURTH UMPIRE .



(2) While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close to the AUSTRALIAN FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance), the batsman is to be considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be sought from the FOURTH UMPIRE. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.



(3) While BATTING, AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball might not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES (minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER WITH INTEGRITY, this can be higher.



(4) UMPIRES should consider a huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player scores a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team and board.



(5) All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep commenting about all players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in any other language are to be considered as RACISM only.



(6) MATCH REFREE decisions will be taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN TEAM advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be considered for hearing. MATCH REFREES are to be given huge bonus if this rule is implemented.



(7) NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.



(8) THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE : If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING - "THE UNDISPUTED CRICKETER WITH INTEGTIRY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET" more than twice in a series, he will be banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and create history in the game of CRICKET .



These rules will clarify better to the all the teams VISITING AUSTRALIA.

How True ?

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.



Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.



Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.



Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.



Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.



LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!



LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.



LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Teacher & Student

A teacher in a mathematics lecture asks a 8rd std class," If there are 3
birds on a tree and u shoot one of them,how many birds would remain??
".Johnny,the naughtiest of the lot, shoots up his hand.
teacher: "ok Johnny ,wats the answer?".
Johnny: "none,ma'am.
teacher: "how?"
Johnny:" after hearing the shot ,all the other birds will also fly away."
Teacher:"no Johnny, the answer here is 2,but I like the way u r thinkin
Johnny: " teacher can I ask u a question?
Teacher: "sure"
Johnny:" there are three ladies havin ice cream at the parlour.the first one is eatin it,the second is lickin it while the third one is suckin on it.can u tell which one of the ladies is married??"
teacher is terribly embarrassed,but she puts on a brave face and answers.
Teacher: "I....I...urr...I guess the one which is suckin on the ice cream is married."
Johnny:" no ma'am,the one who has the wedding ring on her finger is
married,BUT I LIKE THE WAY U R THINKIN." !!!!!

Casual Day - Office Humour

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.



Week 1



Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.



Week 3



Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.



Week 6



Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.



Week 8



Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.



Week 9



Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.



Week 14



Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee.



Week 18



Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.



Week 20



Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day is discontinued

Types of Girls ( Computer Humour )

CD-ROM GIRLS



She is always faster and faster.




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EMAIL GIRLS



Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .


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HARD DISK GIRLS



She remembers everything, FOREVER




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INTERNET GIRLS



Difficult to access




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MULTIMEDIA GIRLS



She make horrible thing look beautiful




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SCREENSAVER GIRLS



She is good for nothing but at least she is fun




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RAM GIRLS



She forget about you, the moment turn her off




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WINDOW GIRLS



Everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.




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VIRUS GIRLS



Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything.. .




***********




SERVER GIRLS



Always busy when you need her.




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Every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!

Every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!



All good things come to those who wait..
But
Time and tide wait for no man..


The pen is mightier than the sword.
But
Actions speak louder than words.


Wise men think alike
But
Fools seldom differ.


The best things in life are free.
But
There's no such thing as a free lunch.


Slow and steady wins the race.
But
Time waits for no man.


Look before you leap.
But
Strike while the iron is hot.


Do it well or not at all.
But
Half a loaf is better than none.


Birds of a feather flock together.
But
Opposites attract.


Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
But
Forewarned is forearmed.


Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
But
Faith will move mountains.


Great starts make great finishes.
But
It ain't over until it's over.


Practice makes perfect.
But
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.


Silence is golden.
But
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.


You're never too old to learn.
But
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.


What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
But
One man's meat is another man's poison.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But
Out of sight, out of mind.


Too many cooks spoil the broth.
But
Many hands make light work.


Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
But
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Crazy Facts

 In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

 There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

 The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

 The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye!

 A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

 A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

 Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

 No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

 Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

 If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!