Valuable Banking

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"

" No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"

The First day of School

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a
pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big,
heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking
a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.;

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy

To make one feel like a real Woman

A man walks into a bar.
There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar,
and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says,
"I need you to make me feel like a real woman."
So the guy takes off his jacket and says,
"I need this ironed."

Santa and Banta in mental hospital !

Santa and Banta were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day, Santa suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.

Banta jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act..



He immediately order Banta to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he is OK.

Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, Banta.

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient, you are now a normal person.

The bad news is that, the patient Mr. Santa, whom you

have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died..


Banta: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry..!!

A Wondeful Story !

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."


"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.


"No", she replied. "He's out."




"Then we cannot come in", they replied.


In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.


"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"


The woman went out and invited the men in"


" We do not go into a House together," they replied.


"Why is that?" she asked.


One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."


The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"


His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"


Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"


"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.


"Go out and invite Love to be our guest ."


The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."


Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"


The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!"

Funny Tricks !

What is:

1+5 ?
2+4 ?
3+3 ?
4+2 ?
5+1 ?

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll to the bottom of this page!























QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down more!

























You're thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

Everything is big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

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4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

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6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

40 Funny Thoughts and Quotes

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."


"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "

ABC of ex - girlfriend !

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Crazy One-liners !!

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday


************ ***



Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?


************ ***


Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case.

You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


************ ***


Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


************ ***


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


************ ***


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


************ ***


Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!


************ ***


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.


************ ***


Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Be Specific with what you want !!

A Man to God

Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls"

God replies:"Tataastu magane" {so it be, my son}
and then....

... . . .
... . . .
... . . .
... . . .
... . . .

Made him a bus conductor of MTC (Metropolitan Transport Corp.) Ladies special bus!

Moral: Requirement specification should be CLEAR-CUT

What I want in a MAN !

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates the finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32) 1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant 4. Listens more than he talks 5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times 6. Can carry in all groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42) 1. Not too ugly - bald head okay 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion 4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture 7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking 5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) 5. Forgets why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10.Remembers when...

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72) 1. Breathing--

A Sardar in need of winning a Lotto ticket !

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

Sardar ji Jokes collection

1- Sardar ji is buying a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

2- Sardar Ji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.

3- Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes

4- Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

5- Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.
Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints
like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."

6- What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

7- What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.

8- There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then
we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd
was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE
WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

9- Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned
to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,
new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

10- Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

11- How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear

12- Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"

13- What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

14- What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

15- How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

16- What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.

17- Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

18- Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.

19- How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.

20- What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Wife , Wife and Wife !!

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.


************

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .


************

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


************


I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."


************


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


************


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


************


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.


************


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


************


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


************


A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."


************ *


It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.


************ *


Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


************ *


A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."


************ **


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once .


************ **

Viagra

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something.
Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked.
I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well,"
she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

How to ask the BOSS for a raise..?

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon ..

Your$ $incerely,

$teven


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet ..



NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if South Africa may go into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean ..

Yours truly,
Manager

NOrman

3 Guys go to Heavan !!

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

Banta in Mental Hospital

anta and Banta were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day, Santa suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.

Banta jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act..

He immediately order Banta to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he is OK.

Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, Banta.

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient, you are now a normal person.

The bad news is that, the patient Mr. Santa, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died..

Banta: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry..!!

The Bear and the Rabbit !!

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.

The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."

And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny."

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen.

The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, starts and says: "I wish that turn this bear in gay."

Lipstick Problems.....

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. ..

He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror

3 guys.... An new version...

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.


Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.


The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.


Next it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me."

Priceless....

Rohit wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rohit looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Rohit asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said
, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!!!!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20, 000.00
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk
- PRICELESS

The Clever Sardar...

A sardar and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight.

To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me Rs 5. The same goes if you
ask me something I don't know." The sardar refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me Rs 5, but if I don’t know an answer,
I pay you Rs 50."
The sardar accepted. The Lawyer went first.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The sardar didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a Rs 5 bill
and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a Rs 50 bill.

"So, what is it?"

The sardar said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a Rs 5 bill to the lawyer.

12 days....

Dec. 14, 1995
My Dearest Peter,

The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago,
and the pear tree sapling came a little while later.
I'm not sure of the connection, but I love them.

Love always,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 15, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your
thoughtful gift. They are adorable.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 16, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you
are too kind.

Love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 17, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are quite beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 18, 1995

Dearest Peter,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings - one for each finger. You are just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 19, 1995

Dear Peter,

When I opened the door, there were actually six
geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the
birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 20, 1995

Pete,

What is it with you and those fucking birds? Seven
swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is
this? There is bird shit all over my house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with
those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 21, 1995

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going
to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they
brought along their goddamned cows. There is shit all
over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.


Just lay off me,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 22, 1995

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine
pipers playing, and do they play. They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The
cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 23, 1995

You Rotten Prick,

Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why
they call these sluts ladies. They've been balling
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police in you.

One who means it!

- - - - - - -

Dec. 24, 1995

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds
are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied you rotten bastard.

Your sworn enemy,

- - - - - - -

Dec. 26, 1995

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict
upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction,
of course, was total. All further correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find a warrant for your
arrest.

The Old INDIAN tradition.....yet continues....

A young Indian Man Excitedly tells his Mother he has fallen in Love
and that He is going to get Married. He says, "Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to Marry."..


The Mother Agrees……

The Next Day, he brings three Beautiful Women into the House and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, He says, "Okay Ma, Guess which one Iam going to Marry ?

She Immediately says, "The one on the Right."

Son Replied, "That's Amazing…Maa..You are Right ?
How did you Know ?

The Indian Mother Replies,……..







I don't Like Her …?????

51 Days ! Sardar goes again ........:)

Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later,
another Sardar walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a
picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!51 days!!

The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the Sardar says,
"everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

THe obeidient WIFE !!!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Whay can you say..... This is what is caleed height....

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.

In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a
kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him
behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

Sardarji then wrote a note saying:

"I've kidnapped your kid.

Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag

and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side
of the city playground".

Signed below - " Sardarji".

Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure
enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was
sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the
Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji?

Take the money, and Please leave my son."

Maria and the Maid

-- The Maid asked for a pay raise.

Madam was very upset about this and asked:

Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you .

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: 'The Master said so.
Madam: 'Oh.

Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?
Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.