Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"
" No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"
Monday, December 31, 2007
Valuable Banking
The First day of School
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a
pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big,
heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking
a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.;
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"
"No," said the little boy...
"I give up," she said. "What is it?"
The boy replied, "It's a puppy
To make one feel like a real Woman
A man walks into a bar.
There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar,
and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says,
"I need you to make me feel like a real woman."
So the guy takes off his jacket and says,
"I need this ironed."
Santa and Banta in mental hospital !
Santa and Banta were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, Santa suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
Banta jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act..
He immediately order Banta to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, Banta.
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient, you are now a normal person.
The bad news is that, the patient Mr. Santa, whom you
have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died..
Banta: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry..!!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A Wondeful Story !
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
" We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest ."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!"
Funny Tricks !
What is:
1+5 ?
2+4 ?
3+3 ?
4+2 ?
5+1 ?
Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll to the bottom of this page!
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down more!
You're thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
Everything is big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
What is the difference between men and women?
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
*******
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
*******
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
*******
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
*******
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
*******
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
*******
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
*******
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
*******
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
*******
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
40 Funny Thoughts and Quotes
" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."
"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."
"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."
"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."
"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "
"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "
Friday, December 28, 2007
ABC of ex - girlfriend !
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Crazy One-liners !!
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
************ ***
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
************ ***
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case.
You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
************ ***
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
************ ***
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
************ ***
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
************ ***
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!
************ ***
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.
************ ***
Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Be Specific with what you want !!
A Man to God
Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls"
God replies:"Tataastu magane" {so it be, my son}
and then....
... . . .
... . . .
... . . .
... . . .
... . . .
Made him a bus conductor of MTC (Metropolitan Transport Corp.) Ladies special bus!
Moral: Requirement specification should be CLEAR-CUT
What I want in a MAN !
What I want in a man, Original List (age 22) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates the finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32) 1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant 4. Listens more than he talks 5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times 6. Can carry in all groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42) 1. Not too ugly - bald head okay 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion 4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture 7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking 5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep) 5. Forgets why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10.Remembers when...
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72) 1. Breathing--
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Sardar in need of winning a Lotto ticket !
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".
Sardar ji Jokes collection
1- Sardar ji is buying a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
2- Sardar Ji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.
3- Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes
4- Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
5- Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.
Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints
like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."
6- What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
7- What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.
8- There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then
we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd
was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE
WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"
9- Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned
to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,
new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
10- Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
11- How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
12- Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"
13- What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
14- What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
15- How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
16- What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
17- Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
18- Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
19- How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
20- What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Wife , Wife and Wife !!
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .
************
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
************
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
************
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
************
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
************
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
************
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
************ *
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
************ *
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
************ *
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
************ **
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once .
************ **
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Viagra
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something.
Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked.
I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well,"
she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
How to ask the BOSS for a raise..?
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon ..
Your$ $incerely,
$teven
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet ..
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if South Africa may go into aNOther recession.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean ..
Yours truly,
Manager
NOrman
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
3 Guys go to Heavan !!
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
Banta in Mental Hospital
anta and Banta were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, Santa suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
Banta jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act..
He immediately order Banta to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, Banta.
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient, you are now a normal person.
The bad news is that, the patient Mr. Santa, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died..
Banta: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry..!!
The Bear and the Rabbit !!
There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.
The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"
So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."
And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny."
The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen.
The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.
When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, starts and says: "I wish that turn this bear in gay."
Monday, December 17, 2007
Lipstick Problems.....
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. ..
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror
3 guys.... An new version...
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me."
Priceless....
Rohit wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rohit looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Rohit asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said
, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!!!!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20, 000.00
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk
- PRICELESS
The Clever Sardar...
A sardar and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight.
To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me Rs 5. The same goes if you
ask me something I don't know." The sardar refused.
"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me Rs 5, but if I don’t know an answer,
I pay you Rs 50."
The sardar accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The sardar didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a Rs 5 bill
and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.
"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a Rs 50 bill.
"So, what is it?"
The sardar said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a Rs 5 bill to the lawyer.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
12 days....
Dec. 14, 1995
My Dearest Peter,
The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago,
and the pear tree sapling came a little while later.
I'm not sure of the connection, but I love them.
Love always,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 15, 1995
Dearest Peter,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your
thoughtful gift. They are adorable.
All my love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 16, 1995
Dearest Peter,
Aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you
are too kind.
Love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 17, 1995
Dearest Peter,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are quite beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 18, 1995
Dearest Peter,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings - one for each finger. You are just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 19, 1995
Dear Peter,
When I opened the door, there were actually six
geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the
birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec 20, 1995
Pete,
What is it with you and those fucking birds? Seven
swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is
this? There is bird shit all over my house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with
those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 21, 1995
O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going
to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they
brought along their goddamned cows. There is shit all
over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.
Just lay off me,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 22, 1995
Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine
pipers playing, and do they play. They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The
cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Dori
- - - - - - -
Dec. 23, 1995
You Rotten Prick,
Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why
they call these sluts ladies. They've been balling
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police in you.
One who means it!
- - - - - - -
Dec. 24, 1995
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds
are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied you rotten bastard.
Your sworn enemy,
- - - - - - -
Dec. 26, 1995
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict
upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction,
of course, was total. All further correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find a warrant for your
arrest.
The Old INDIAN tradition.....yet continues....
A young Indian Man Excitedly tells his Mother he has fallen in Love
and that He is going to get Married. He says, "Mom, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to Marry."..
The Mother Agrees……
The Next Day, he brings three Beautiful Women into the House and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, He says, "Okay Ma, Guess which one Iam going to Marry ?
She Immediately says, "The one on the Right."
Son Replied, "That's Amazing…Maa..You are Right ?
How did you Know ?
The Indian Mother Replies,……..
I don't Like Her …?????
51 Days ! Sardar goes again ........:)
Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later,
another Sardar walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.
Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a
picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!51 days!!
The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the Sardar says,
"everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
THe obeidient WIFE !!!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
Whay can you say..... This is what is caleed height....
There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a
kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him
behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying:
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag
and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side
of the city playground".
Signed below - " Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure
enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was
sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the
Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:
"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji?
Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Maria and the Maid
-- The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'
Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you .
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: 'The Master said so.
Madam: 'Oh.
Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam.
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?
Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
What is 2 x 2 ?
What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it."
Hypnotist
TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
station sends a telegram to his wife : "I wish you
were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you
were her."
TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
station to return to her husband. At the reservation
counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the
queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent
a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be
coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth
to an old lady."
TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by
throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on
the cake.Well he thinks for a while and says: let's
put, "you are not
getting older you are getting better". The salesman
asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says,
Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and
"You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun
didn't start until
the cake was opened the entire party watched the
message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting
older at the top, You are getting better at the
bottom".
TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her
parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer,
he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife
indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a
telegram. When the
wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was
written: 'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).
Funny Telegrams
TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
station sends a telegram to his wife : "I wish you
were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you
were her."
TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
station to return to her husband. At the reservation
counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the
queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent
a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be
coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth
to an old lady."
TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by
throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on
the cake.Well he thinks for a while and says: let's
put, "you are not
getting older you are getting better". The salesman
asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says,
Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and
"You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun
didn't start until
the cake was opened the entire party watched the
message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting
older at the top, You are getting better at the
bottom".
TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her
parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer,
he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife
indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a
telegram. When the
wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was
written: 'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I can't hear YOU !!!
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"
Saturday, October 20, 2007
The fight continues....
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
.
.
.
.
.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...
.
.
.
"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !!"
The fight continues....
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
.
.
.
.
.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...
.
.
.
"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !!"
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Vaccum Cleaner
new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, Madam?"
"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"
Moral : Gather all required information before working on any project..
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Doubts - I wish this would make you clear......
I've some doubts.. Can u please clarify me..
1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)
7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)
8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stayand watch)
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)
11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they forgot? (can somebody help )
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Learn to think DIFFERENT !
A priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - **Dead.**
The second worm in cigarette smoke - **Dead** **
Third worm in chocolate syrup - **Dead** **
Fourth worm in good clean soil - **Alive.**
So the priest asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Malcolm was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service....
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
This time it is Santa Singh to entertain us......
Once santa singh sardarji was taking rest in a beach . . . An English man came 2 him and asked "Are u relaxing?" Sardar replied : "NO! I'm Santa singh" . . . After sometime another English man came and asked "Are u relaxing?" Sardar replied :"NO! I'm santa singh" . . . After that he got fed up when again a English man asked that ... so he left that place in anger . . . After leaving the place, while he was walking, he saw one Englishman sitting aside alone .. He went near him and asked the man "Are u relaxing?". The Englishman replied "YES! I'm relaxing" . . . SARDARJI GAVE HIM 2 SLAPS AND SAID " All are searching for u there and u are sitting here alone! " ..
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Words of WISDOM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane .
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos .
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
BIG John Does Not Play
A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet. Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered. This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " Big John does not pay" said, the driver rose up and showing his muscles said " OH yeah " and why does Big JOhn does not pay " he shouted. The giant reached inside his pocket, the driver feared for the worse
the giant said " because Big John has bus pass" showing his bus pass to the driver.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Never Lie TO YOur MOTHER
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't helpbut notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'. About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan,you don't suppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul
So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM> MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT> REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.LOVE M
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
A look at Einstein !!
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
ALBERT EINSTEIN !!:)
Monday, August 20, 2007
Santa's Answer medical termanology
Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor? Needless to say he never made it. You know why?These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.************
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.C
aesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark. Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything
.Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.
Friday, August 17, 2007
The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello ?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - " Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Whats for Dinner ?
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so,
He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,could be very much within us..!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
1.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.
The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Student Vs Professor
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Everyone is in hurry to scream "racism" these days
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Lowe's"
Gut Renchers
Medicare!>> >>>The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,>> >>>"Hello.">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, please.">> >>>>> >>>"Speaking">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical>> >>>Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your>> >>>husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from>> >>>another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now>> >>>uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the>> >>>results are either bad or terrible.">> >>>>> >>>"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.>> >>>>> >>>"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for>> >>>Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for>> >>>AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.">> >>>>> >>>"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked>> >>>Mrs.Ward.>> >>>>> >>>"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these>> >>>expensive tests one time.">> >>>>> >>>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?">> >>>>> >>>"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your>> >>>husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he>> >>>finds his way home, don't sleep with him."Duties of a wife!I am still laughing.Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had giventheir new wives duties.The 1st man had married an Asian woman[]and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishesand housecleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came hometo a cleanhouse and the dishes were done.The 2nd man had married a White woman.Bettye WhiteHe bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all thecleaning,dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but thenext dayit was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were doneand hehad a huge dinner on the table.The 3rd man married a Black woman.[]He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the houseclean, disheswashed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for everymeal. Hesaid the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anythingbutby the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and hecould see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a biteto eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.[]Gotta love those Black women!!!! -Best Drunk StoryA drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders adrink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's housetodayand I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine lookingwoman!"The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies areconfused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of ahat.The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with yourgrandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but t he biker stillsays no thing.The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell yousomething else, boy, your grandma liked it!"At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says........ ......... .."Grandpa,... .... Go home, you're drunk."The new prostate exam.A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical credentials, butis alsodrop dead gorgeous, for an exam.The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but thisnew procedureis a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lieon yourright side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deepbreathand say 99."The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and, again, while Irepeatthe check, take a deep breath and say 99."Again, the guy says, "99."The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back withyour kneesraised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and withthe otherhand I am going to hold onto your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."The guy says, "One...two.. .three... "Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is stillconsideredtacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingerscovering thelabel.2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may nothavedogs.Entertaining In Your Home1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by ataxidermist.2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be donein privateusing one's OWN truck keys2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, ifyoulive alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend todetractfrom a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (outside the family)1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go outwithyou since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM;others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man'sresponsibilityto get her to school on time.4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'llsuredon't sweat much for a fat gal."Weddings1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and acleanbowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this specialoccasion.5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.Driving Etiquette1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, andthedeer is in sight.2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires alwayshas theright of way.3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to askher tobring back beer.5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records
Friday, August 10, 2007
Programmer Jokes
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination. "
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
Just for laughs...
Three best friends are talking about problems at work.
The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."
The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affairwith a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utterdisbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
IT Might be the light.....
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I amdoing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Friday, August 3, 2007
Really smartttt.....
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that notall of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.... He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood. Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up. The He smiled and said
-
-
-
-
-
-
- "Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Grandma's Birth control Pill...
An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions.
As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age.
"Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?"
The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep."
The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!"
"Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night."
A MAN with NO bad habits
Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.""I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like !!!!"
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Stolen Money
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper' s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
Crook
Just Needed To Use Your Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music star."Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Long hair and The car
A young boy had just gotten his driver*s permit and inquired of hisfather, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I*llmake a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible alittle, get your hair cut and we*ll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for theoffer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,"Son, I*ve been real proud. You*ve brought your grades up, and I*veobserved that youhave been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Biblestudy groups. But, I*m real disappointed, since you haven*t gotten yourhair cut." The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I*ve beenthinking about that, and I*ve noticed in my studies of the Bible thatSamson hadlong hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair andthere*s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walkedeverywhere they went?"
Re - Marry ....!!!
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when theWife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE:"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Quick Wits
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell to Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral : BE SPECIFIC
6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for"
- Albert Einstein
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