Gut Renchers

Medicare!>> >>>The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,>> >>>"Hello.">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, please.">> >>>>> >>>"Speaking">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical>> >>>Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your>> >>>husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from>> >>>another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now>> >>>uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the>> >>>results are either bad or terrible.">> >>>>> >>>"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.>> >>>>> >>>"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for>> >>>Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for>> >>>AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.">> >>>>> >>>"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked>> >>>Mrs.Ward.>> >>>>> >>>"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these>> >>>expensive tests one time.">> >>>>> >>>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?">> >>>>> >>>"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your>> >>>husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he>> >>>finds his way home, don't sleep with him."Duties of a wife!I am still laughing.Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had giventheir new wives duties.The 1st man had married an Asian woman[]and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishesand housecleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came hometo a cleanhouse and the dishes were done.The 2nd man had married a White woman.Bettye WhiteHe bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all thecleaning,dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but thenext dayit was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were doneand hehad a huge dinner on the table.The 3rd man married a Black woman.[]He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the houseclean, disheswashed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for everymeal. Hesaid the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anythingbutby the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and hecould see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a biteto eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.[]Gotta love those Black women!!!! -Best Drunk StoryA drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders adrink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's housetodayand I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine lookingwoman!"The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies areconfused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of ahat.The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with yourgrandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but t he biker stillsays no thing.The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell yousomething else, boy, your grandma liked it!"At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says........ ......... .."Grandpa,... .... Go home, you're drunk."The new prostate exam.A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical credentials, butis alsodrop dead gorgeous, for an exam.The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but thisnew procedureis a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lieon yourright side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deepbreathand say 99."The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and, again, while Irepeatthe check, take a deep breath and say 99."Again, the guy says, "99."The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back withyour kneesraised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and withthe otherhand I am going to hold onto your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."The guy says, "One...two.. .three... "Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is stillconsideredtacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingerscovering thelabel.2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may nothavedogs.Entertaining In Your Home1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by ataxidermist.2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be donein privateusing one's OWN truck keys2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, ifyoulive alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend todetractfrom a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (outside the family)1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go outwithyou since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM;others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man'sresponsibilityto get her to school on time.4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'llsuredon't sweat much for a fat gal."Weddings1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and acleanbowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this specialoccasion.5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.Driving Etiquette1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, andthedeer is in sight.2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires alwayshas theright of way.3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to askher tobring back beer.5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records