TIT FOR TAT

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?" She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table. After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

A look at Einstein !!

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student : Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student :Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student : No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student : From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Hatred? Ugliness?

All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student :Yes, sir.Prof: So, who created them?(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you.

Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student : No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student : No , sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelled your God?

Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.Student : No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.... But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.Student : That is it, sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive. You know who this young man was ?

ALBERT EINSTEIN !!:)

Santa's Answer medical termanology

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor? Needless to say he never made it. You know why?These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.************

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.C
aesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark. Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything
.Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello ?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - " Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"

Whats for Dinner ?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so,

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

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"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,could be very much within us..!

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.
The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Student Vs Professor

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."

No wonder men are happier

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Everyone is in hurry to scream "racism" these days

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,

"Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Lowe's"

Gut Renchers

Medicare!>> >>>The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,>> >>>"Hello.">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, please.">> >>>>> >>>"Speaking">> >>>>> >>>"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical>> >>>Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your>> >>>husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from>> >>>another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now>> >>>uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the>> >>>results are either bad or terrible.">> >>>>> >>>"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.>> >>>>> >>>"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for>> >>>Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for>> >>>AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.">> >>>>> >>>"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked>> >>>Mrs.Ward.>> >>>>> >>>"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these>> >>>expensive tests one time.">> >>>>> >>>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?">> >>>>> >>>"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your>> >>>husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he>> >>>finds his way home, don't sleep with him."Duties of a wife!I am still laughing.Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had giventheir new wives duties.The 1st man had married an Asian woman[]and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishesand housecleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came hometo a cleanhouse and the dishes were done.The 2nd man had married a White woman.Bettye WhiteHe bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all thecleaning,dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but thenext dayit was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were doneand hehad a huge dinner on the table.The 3rd man married a Black woman.[]He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the houseclean, disheswashed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for everymeal. Hesaid the 1st day he didn't' see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anythingbutby the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and hecould see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a biteto eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.[]Gotta love those Black women!!!! -Best Drunk StoryA drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders adrink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's housetodayand I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine lookingwoman!"The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies areconfused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of ahat.The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with yourgrandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but t he biker stillsays no thing.The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell yousomething else, boy, your grandma liked it!"At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says........ ......... .."Grandpa,... .... Go home, you're drunk."The new prostate exam.A man goes to a female urologist who has excellent Medical credentials, butis alsodrop dead gorgeous, for an exam.The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but thisnew procedureis a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lieon yourright side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deepbreathand say 99."The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and, again, while Irepeatthe check, take a deep breath and say 99."Again, the guy says, "99."The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back withyour kneesraised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and withthe otherhand I am going to hold onto your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."The guy says, "One...two.. .three... "Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is stillconsideredtacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingerscovering thelabel.2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may nothavedogs.Entertaining In Your Home1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by ataxidermist.2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be donein privateusing one's OWN truck keys2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, ifyoulive alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend todetractfrom a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (outside the family)1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go outwithyou since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM;others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man'sresponsibilityto get her to school on time.4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'llsuredon't sweat much for a fat gal."Weddings1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and acleanbowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this specialoccasion.5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.Driving Etiquette1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, andthedeer is in sight.2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires alwayshas theright of way.3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to askher tobring back beer.5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records

Programmer Jokes

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination. "
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

Just for laughs...

Three best friends are talking about problems at work.

The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affairwith a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utterdisbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

IT Might be the light.....

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I amdoing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

Really smartttt.....

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that notall of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.... He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood. Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up. The He smiled and said
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- "Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party.