Aquainted !

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.

A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.



She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again.

But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time.

She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt.

He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."

Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we were aquainted."

Monkey In Plane

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.


The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Peanuts

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.


After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.

They all broke out into applause and cheered.



When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'

The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'

Titanic !

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =======

Please Confirm Before speaking !

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

















On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the

wrong extension! Do you know who u are talking to ...?
"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you

IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone .....

Heroic Biker

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning
into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of
her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to
the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker,
says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do
in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw
this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride?"
"A Harley Davidson.... "
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the
paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on
first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

That is called Confidence !

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of
the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is
running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs
promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked
why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies :


"If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems,
this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!!

The Bronze Rat

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas .
Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size
bronze statue of a rat It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that
he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little
bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to
over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and
saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they
were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he
ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the
Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're
bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how
much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there!"

Software Companies & Their Full forms

1. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10.. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. HP : Hen Pecked

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash First, and Let them go

16. DELL : Deplorable Equipment & Lackluster

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. PCL : Poor Computers Ltd

20. SPARC : Simply Poor And Redundant Computers

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar
drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American," You know
my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl
from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged
marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them
that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American
said, " Talking about love marriages?.. . I'll tell you my story. I
married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My
daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son
I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand
father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family
problems...? !